The Camo Man

I glanced at the road, then back to the papers in my hand. The next house would be right around the corner. My gaze darted back to the pavement and I saw him.

A man walked down the road towards myself and Alana. He wore black shorts and a camouflage shirt. His other attire included camouflage hiking boots, sunglasses with a pink camouflage chord, and a cane that was covered in camouflage duct tape.

I stared for a moment, taking in the scene, then looked at Alana for assurance. Please make him be nice. I silently prayed, some people are just unpredictable.

“What are you girls doing?” The man demanded.

I looked at Alana again and side-stepped closer to her. I could now see the handgun and daggar that were strapped to his side.

“Are you here for the campaign?” He said.

“Yes. We’re taking a survey.”

“Give me your survey.” Oh boy, I thought, You’re not even on our list. But we complied and told him how we were volunteers for a pro-life organization, then asked him if he would be voting pro-life.

“Well, I’m a libertarian. I’ve never been married. Don’t have any kids. So the life issue doesn’t really apply to me.”

What? This is so weird. “Oh, okay.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.  I was too busy eying the two knives that were strapped to the guy’s chest.  Three knives and a handgun.

“How old are you two anyway?” He said.

We were both seventeen.

“Well,” He said, “I’m sixty. But when I was in highschool I used to party and drink all the time. I would get these massive hangovers all the time. But then I started taking bee pollen.  For the longest time I was taking it with hot coffee, but then I read the directions and you’re supposed to take it with cold liquids. So I started taking this bee pollen and it took away my hangovers. I’ve never had a hangover since. You might just want to remember that for sometime.”

We nodded, afraid to disagree, and ready to move on.

“And you know,” He continued. “I used to be in law enforcement. I carried a gun then, and I still do now, but sometimes people still give me a hard time.  Just the other day a police officer stopped me and gave me a hard time, and I just wanted to tell him off, but I figured I had better not. But anyways, I’m off on my hike.” He pointed to his backpack and proceeded to inform us how it was good exercise for him to carry stuff around in a backpack…

Then he proceeded on his suburban neighborhood hike.

Okay, moving on. However, it took me and Alana quite a while to move on because it’s not every day you meet a law enforcement officer who tells you the secret to avoiding hangovers but never realizes that you should be in school.